i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize