You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize