You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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