At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
