Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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