so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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