I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
