All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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