a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
