I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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