Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Alive.
So much puke
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
