I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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