i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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