i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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