Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think people are normalizing furries
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
