Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I have post one night stand depression
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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