Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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