Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
