My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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