You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Drake has all the answers
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
