My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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