Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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