Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
