Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
