Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
