Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
