My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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