I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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