Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
