I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
