Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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