It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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