when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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