Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize