So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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