At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
