I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize