He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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