I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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