Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
