What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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