wanna go halves on a baby?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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