It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
