explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
