the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
