We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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