i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
