You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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