I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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