evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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