I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
