I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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