She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
