i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize