I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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