Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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