i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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