I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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